Cronus Goes to the DMVW
Listen on Bandcamp.
DMV Clerk: Next!
Cronus: 'S'cuse me, ma’am?
DMV Clerk: I said, next! Who the heck are you?
Cronus: Cronus Ampora, babe. I’m here to... apply for a driver’s license!
DMV Clerk: Oh my day is going great. How do you spell that?
DMV Clerk: Never mind, I’ll manage.
Cronus: No, not with... good enough. Thank you very much, ma’am. Cronus with a “K”, Emperor... hmm... nice. Okay, gotta study this stuff real quick... doesn’t matter... doesn’t matter... the fuck is a stop sign? Sounds fake... doesn’t matter. You know what? I got this shit! I’ll just let my natural talents take over.
DMV Clerk: Okay, time for the written test. You can read, can’t you?
Cronus: You got it, babe! I’ll just come right on over and pass that test real quick!
DMV Clerk: You’ll have twenty minutes to complete the test. It’s only ten questions and all of them were explained in your... give me that! You’re not allowed to have the manual with you!
Cronus: Wait? What do you mean? I’ll have it with me while I’m driving, right?
DMV Clerk: What? You plan to stop and reference it whenever your brain gets confused?
Cronus: No, you don’t understand! I mean right up there in the window! That way it blocks the sun AND I can read all the-
DMV Clerk: You can’t see... you do realize that seeing the road is a key part of driving, right?
Cronus: What do you mean? Why does that...
DMV Clerk: God... good luck, Mr. Emperor. [laughter]
Cronus: Why are you laughing? I’m no dummy - Cronus Emporer knows how to get the job done! Okay, Cronus, you got this! It’s easy... just use your smart brain... your smart, smart brain. “A stop sign has how many sides?” That’s easy - signs only have two sides – front and back! [laughs] Or was it inside and outside? That’s still only two sides! How was I ever worried about this?
DMV Clerk: Well, you just barely passed... if only in the most technical sense of the word?
Cronus: Excuse me? What do you mean, “just barely passed and only in the most technical sense of the word?”
DMV Clerk: Never mind that. You still have to pass the driving test.
Cronus: Driving test?
DMV Clerk: What precisely did you think this was? A Wendy’s? An art school?
Cronus: I figured I take your test, maybe slip you a twenty and my phone number, we call it even and y’all give me one of them shiny licenses with my picture on it!
DMV Clerk: That is... very wrong... Okay, now do you remember the first step?
Cronus: The first step of driving is... gun it!
DMV Clerk: What? No! Put your damn seatbelt on!
Cronus: [laughs] Yeah, I was just kidding, babe. They don’t call me Cronus Emporer... Ampora for nuthin'!
DMV Clerk: What does that even MEAN?!
Cronus: Okay, now we gun it!
DMV Clerk: No! Now you explain in great detail how you’re going to drive this car more than twenty feet without killing both of us!
Cronus: Okay, so the first step is you gotta push the accelerationator all the way to the floor...
Cronus: ...and that’s when you turn the wheel left and right as fast as you can while singing the words to Billy Idol’s hit song “White Wedding” at the top of your lungs and hanging out the window!
DMV Clerk: That’s how you...
Cronus: Parallel park.
DMV Clerk: Parallel park?
DMV Clerk: Mr. Emperor... Cronus?
DMV Clerk: Do you have access to, or do you foresee gaining access to, a motor vehicle in the near future?
Cronus: Nope – I don’t got a car yet, babe!
DMV Clerk: And why do you want a driver’s license?
Cronus: Chicks love that shit. Dudes too. I can flash it and be like... “yeah, I can drive anytime I want to!” Also you can buy ‘em drinks and stuff with it. Then they’ll drive you places.
DMV Clerk: But you don’t actually care about driving?
Cronus: Nah, that’s a hassle. I’ll just get my buddies to give me a ride.
DMV Clerk: So... if I were to issue you a license which was, hypothetically, restricted in such a way that it legally prohibited you from driving any vehicle with a combined gross weight more than zero pounds, you wouldn’t be... upset?
Cronus: Combined what now?
DMV Clerk: You wouldn’t legally be able to drive anything that weighs more than a feather.
Cronus: But it’d still have my picture on it?
DMV Clerk: Yes.
Cronus: And it’d be all glossy and stuff?
DMV Clerk: Yes.
Cronus: And I could use it to buy booze with?
DMV Clerk: Uh... technically... yes?
DMV Clerk: Congratulations, Mr. Emperor, you are now officially licensed to not drive. Go inside to have your picture taken and get your ID card. Now please get the hell out of the car and never come back.
Cronus: That’s right... Cronus got a license, baby! [laughs]