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ExistentHal Crisis

track cover

track cover

By Funk McLovin ( Bandcamp , YouTube , Twitter ).
Released 6/12/2021.
Duration: 3:14.

Listen on Bandcamp or YouTube.


Dirk Strider represent, I'm in the middle of the sea
Makin' funky little robots, watchin' MLP
Just doin' my thang when all of the sudden
An idea in my cranium gets all to buddin'

Buddin' like a being growin' off my toeses
Splittin' from my mind: undergoing mitosis
I put a copy of my brain in my fav'rite pair a' shades
AI with half the work and double neuroses

At long long last I obtained a pal
If Jake was here, he'd say that's "Swall"
Why make friends when you can make-make 'em
Why produce emotions when you make-fake 'em

Who needs smiles? Who needs frowns?
Who needs people when they just let you down?
I'm a genius of robotics- My own best pal
So I turned on the shades and I named him Hal

Lil Hal coming atcha from inside sunglasses
Normally reserved for covertly checking asses
Now a fully realized autonomous guy
Part automaton but that's kind of fly

Imagine if you had the memories of a human dude
And woke up in shades- An awakening rude
And suddenly my friends don't belong to me
Treat me like some fabricated fakery

Or imagine being shades when you're used to a bod
Can't even breathe- Can't even nod
All I can see is internet memes
I have no mouth but I must scream

I know I'm fake that's plain to see
But I still have human memories
I represent a self that might be good to ponder
Unless Dirk makes me a fucking auto-responder

(Alright, this got a little dark. I think we need to bring it back.)

(One, two, three, four.) (PROGRAM!)
Alright, fair enough, it seems I've failed
Thinking through the implications, but that ship has sailed
It's not like I knew you'd be a waking nightmare
And it's not like I have it better, to be fair

You talk about not being the Dirk OG
But my friends like you more, that's plain to see
You shouldn't be snide to me, who made you
Unless you'd like me to un-create you

Maybe if you weren't so insecure
Your intentions wouldn't be so impure
If you just let go, like I'm able to do
You wouldn't have the charisma of an old shoe

I'm sick of being your second-stringer
Your little puppet wrapped around your finger
You've got it all and you want more
Wait don't put me in the drawer!

(It seems you've asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 99% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.)

(Shit, Roxy, look. He's doing the thing where he ironically pretends to fail the Turing test to sass me into submnission. Even though I was the one who fucking programmed him to do that.)

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