The Strider Rap-Off
By Funk McLovin (, ).
DIRK: Hey, dude.
DAVE: hey dirk
DIRK: I need a second on the rap battle today. You up?
DAVE: i dont know dude last time things got a little hairy
DIRK: What? Last time was awesome. That shit went viral.
DAVE: things can go viral for the wrong reasons dawg
DAVE: plus no one could tell our voices apart
DIRK: Fuck that, dude. Rap me so hard.
DAVE: fine but i get to go first and i get to pick the track
DIRK: Cool. But Squarewave is MC'ing.
DAVE: you can tell by the way i use my walk
ive had some help from—
TEREZI: OH SH1T.
DAVE: a seer with chalk
ive got rhymes rattling around my dome for days
boys named dirk better be out of my way
when do you have time to spit
when you watch your anime shows
just like your shows
youre undeniably bad
im ashamed to call you my mutual dad
son you better get the shovel
cuz for your corpse theyll be diggin the tunnel
you can swing a sword just like its an art
but my half sized sword cuts down the prince aparts
SQUAREWAVE: NICE RHYME, BRO. YOU'RE ON TOP OF YOUR GAME. BUT IT'S DIRK'S TURN TO RAP. NOW HE'S RISING TO FAME.
DIRK: You've demonstrated your precision.
Forming your rhyme-based incision.
Into my psyche like the finest of surgeons.
But you fail to account for in your incursion, that your shitty half scalpel can't penetrate.
What we have here is a failure to calculate.
So, despite your rhyming and the best of luck, you forgot you can't win if you suck.
And just for the record, I was just being nice. Your rhymes aren't actually that precise.
SQUAREWAVE: NEATO DORITOS, MY DUDE'S SUPREME. DAVE RAPPING NEXT IS MY GREATEST DREAM.
DAVE: can we turn him off
DAVE: this track would be ideal if instead of a battle
it was just me so my rhymes that could rattle
everybody knows my flow can be tops
all the folks watching at home are just waiting for you to stop
In fact why not just concede victory to me
before i splatter your guts for all to—
DAVE: whats he doing
SQUAREWAVE: TREE. ME. SEE. PERIGEE.
DIRK: He's fucking helping you, dude.
DIRK: You might be hot shit inside of your brain,
But suffice to say that soon you'll be slain
And cut down to spec by katanas so shitty.
You're like a little baby sucking my rap titty.
I spin words together like a mellifluous bard.
Remind me how many rap shows have you starred.
Also, lay off Squarewave, lest you incur his wrath.
Take a fucking bath.
SQUAREWAVE: ALRIGHT, DUDES. WE ARE REACHING THE END. THIS IS SO COOL. I CAN BARELY COMPREHEND.
DAVE: i shouldve known
i shouldve been knew
yet another rap battle you snookered me into
every time we bust rhymes i suffer
well this is it ive had enougher
im putting an end to your assault rap mantle
im about to do a somersault off the handle
this is it dirk prepare for armageddon night—
SQUAREWAVE: ARMAGEDDON WAS RELEASED IN 1998. STARRING BRUCE WILLIS, IT'S A MOVIE THAT'S GREAT.
DIRK: Holy shit, dude. Keep the lid on your dick.
Let me put a stop to this rap battle, real quick.
I think we can crown the king prematurely.
You've been acting all hell's of monstrous and surly.
Squarewave tell us who's the best on the beat.
Be the MC to Dave's defeat.
SQUAREWAVE: WELL, DIRK, OLD BUDDY, I'M CALCULATING THE WINNER. WE SHOULD ALL BE HOME IN TIME FOR DINNER.
BUT FIRST LET ME SAY WHAT A TERRIFIC RAP FIGHT. YOU BOYS REALLY ARE ALL RIGHT.
I'VE KEPT YOU WAITING. AFTER DILIGENT WORK. I'VE DECIDED THE WINNER. THE WINNER IS DIRK.
DAVE: yeah you know what dirk
DAVE: im gonna let you have this one
DIRK: Fucking sick.