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Caliborn's Lament

track cover

By Grace Medley power46 Bandcamp user-743933328 SoundCloud power464646 Twitter power464646 Tumblr ← The Ballad of Moro and San Previous track by this artist → Home / Stuck Next track by this artist.
Cover art by yoyoYolo blogofyolo Tumblr NexusMeme Twitter ← Celestial Company Previous track art by this artist.
Released 9/16/2023.
Duration: 4:30.

Listen on Bandcamp or YouTube.

Read artist commentary.

General contributors:

Tracks that Caliborn's Lament references:

Tracks that Caliborn's Lament samples:

Lyrics:

(Thank you! Oh my, everyone, thank you! Alright, that's enough now. I SAID THAT'S ENOU—)

Have you considered, dreamed how it feels
When a teen hates your story, and batters you senseless?
When you're stripped of your faith, in god's gift to the "B.L."s
And your art is decried as banal and pretentious?
How do I cling to the talents I've mastered
In my downfall, my nadir, my dark solstice season?
Well, the answer is, one: I'm a bit of a bastard
But two: It's also the reason that

I weep the tears, of a poet
I'm a sensitive soul even when I don't show it
My passion is stories, and wouldn't you know it
This one is about to begin!

So much hard work, so little cheer
Have you forgotten? I am your lord!
Could the end be already here?
No! Invest in Calcoin so I can afford
A bold new direction, a one-act-act play
Then watch as this venue will pack to the rafters!
Art made immortal in cardboard and clay
Please hold your applause until after

I weep the tears, of a poet
I'm a sensitive soul even when I don't show it
My passion is stories, and wouldn't you know it
This one is about to begin!

Everyone out but the rabbit and clown!
All camera angles at ninety degrees!
Lower the curtain! Bring the lights down!
Somebody make sure the orchestra sees, that
Every chorus has the strings
I've a new stage to conquer!
Now fetch me my tattered cape, eyeballs and ring
Soon they'll all see that no longer do

I weep the tears, of a poet
I'm a sensitive soul even when I don't show it
My passion is stories, and wouldn't you know it
This one is about to begin!

I dream the dreams, of an auteur
And the blood of a genius pumps through my aorta
So the haters and posers will suffer no quarter
Now let me explain how I win!

Artist commentary:

Veritas Unae:

I make-a the Caliborn voice! I don’t play-a the saxes! Mamma mia!

yoyoYolo:

look. i couldn’t not jump at the opportunity to draw art for a song that adapts act 6 act 6 act 4. i just love caliborn, and that’s all there really is to say on the matter. his comically sad face is probably the best thing i drew for this project.

Grace Medley:

Caliborn’s Lament is a track that’s been burning a hole in my bucket list for some time now.

Back in the days of LOFAM 4 being fresh out the door, the lot of us got to manically spitballing as many new album ideas as we could, quite a lot of which actually saw the light of day (I think Xenoplanetarium, Cosmic Caretakers, and Moons of Theseus all spiralled out of these discussions). One that broke my heart to never see realised, though, was a Homosuck album.

I was ready for it, too; I wanted to make a musical theatre villain song type of track for Caliborn. To this day I’m pretty much shocked it’s a niche nobody’s filled before me. I had this one melody which wouldn’t leave my head, with lyrics from one particular quote from A6A6A4 (turn to page 6933 if you haven’t figured out what it is yet). In retrospect, though, I see the album’s nonexistence as a blessing in disguise – 2017!Grace didn’t have a fraction of the skill I have now, couldn’t have made something that sounds remotely like this.

Which actually got me to thinking once LOFAM5A2 rolled around: why don’t I take all the best ideas I’ve had for UMSPAF projects, but just never made, and then make them? Well, it goes without saying that Caliborn’s Lament topped the list. The trouble was, beyond that initial lyric and melody, I didn’t have any idea where to go from there. It was only much later, during a totally different project, that I had the idea to turn the opening of HOMOSUCK DIRECTOR’S CUT OF THE YEAR EDITION into a waltz for the chorus. And then I figured, well, if I’m tipping my hat to HSDCOTYE, why don’t I go full-tilt into the territory of theme vomit, and recap a bunch of Caliborn and Caliborn-adjacent pieces of music (and Maibasojen, for some reason)?

Next I needed to learn how to sing. Or so I thought, at any rate. I happened to be noodling around on this track in a Discord voice call one evening, and who should pop in and ask to do the vocals but UMSPAF emeritus VeritasUnae? I leapt on the opportunity, naturally. What would I be doing referencing so much of Homestuck fanmusic’s past if I didn’t say yes to Veri doing the vocals? And what vocals they are.

W- wait. Why are you leaving so much blank space below a few pages after the commentary block. Who is that for.

CALIBORN:

HI AGAIN, IDIOTS. MISS ME?

IT HAS BEEN ALTOGETHER TOO LONG SINCE YOU WERE LAST GRACED/DOOMED BY MY PRESENCE. AND I THOUGHT IT ALTOGETHER RE MISS TO NOT DRESS YOU DOWN. WITH ANOTHER GRANDILOQUENT EXPOSÉ. ABOUT HOW UNFIT YOU ALL ARE TO UNDERSTAND THE BEAUTY OF MY MAGNUM OPUS.

NO, NOT THAT ONE.

NO, NOT THAT ONE EITHER. A UNIQUELY TALENTED ARTIST (ME) SHOULD BE MORE THAN CAPABLE OF ACHIEVING MULTIPLE MAGNUMS OPUS. WITHIN HIS BODY OF WORK.

I REFER, OF COURSE, TO THE PIECE OF MUSIC TO WHICH YOU ARE LISTENING NOW. OR AT LEAST. THE PIECE OF MUSIC YOU SHOULD BE LISTENING TO NOW. OR ELSE YOU WOULD BE VIOLATING MY “AUTHORIAL INTENT”.

THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND IS THIS. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO A REAL RECORDING OF MY VOICE! YOUR BRAIN IS DECEIVING YOU INTO BELIEVING IT’S ME. THROUGH WHAT IS KNOWN AS MOVIE MAGIC. WHERE I GET A PROFESSIONAL APPROXIMATOR OF MY DICTION AND REGISTER TO PRETEND TO BE ME. THE TRUTH IS. ONE SINGLE SIXTEENTH-NOTE OF MY “VAGUE ASS CROON” WOULD BE ENOUGH TO REDUCE LESSER (READ: ALL) BEINGS TO DUST. AND WHILE IT IS CERTAINLY TRUE THAT I WOULD STILL LIKE TO SEE YOU ALL BE EXTINCTIFIED, I WOULD MUCH RATHER EXPOSE YOU FIRST. TO TRUE ART. BECAUSE YOUR COLLECTIVE DESTRUCTION WOULD BE ALL THE MORE IMPACTFUL. IF SOMETHING WORTHWHILE HAD BEEN PUT IN YOUR LIVES FIRST.

AND OBVIOUSLY THIS SOMETHING IS ME.

AND, ALRIGHT, YES. ONCE AGAIN I HAD OTHER PEOPLE MAKE THE ART FOR ME. BUT BECAUSE I HAD DONE IT BEFORE, IT NOW BECOMES A “CALLBACK”. WHICH IS A FANCY WAY OF SAYING I AM USING THE RHETORICAL DEVICE OF REPETITION. WHICH IS ALSO A FANCY WAY OF SAYING I DO SOMETHING TWICE AND PRETEND YOU’RE CLEVER FOR NOTICING. SO CONGRATULATIONS, BY THE WAY.

BESIDES. IT IS MUCH MORE IMPRESSIVE TO GET OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE ART FOR YOU. WHEN IT’S ABOUT SOMETHING ALREADY SO PERSONAL TO YOU. SUCH AS YOUR TRAGIC DOWNFALL. WHICH YOU ONLY MANAGE TO RECOVER FROM BY BEING A “STONE COLD MOTHER FUCKER”. AND BASICALLY NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF IT. AND ALSO BESIDES, THESE ARE MY IDEAS IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND WHILE THE HATERS WOULD JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO SAY THAT I STOLE THOSE, THE TRUTH IS THAT I HAVE A SOURCE OF ALL GOOD IDEAS. FROM WHICH I MERELY TOOK INSPIRATION. ON A NOTE BY NOTE BASIS.

THAT’S RIGHT! CALIBORN’S LAMENT IS AN IDEA WHICH I TOOK. FROM SOMEONE ELSE. WHO ALSO HAPPENED TO BE ONE HANDSOME YOURS THE MOTHERFUCK TRULY. YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING MY JOURNEY. FOR THE PAST SEVEN OR MORE YEARS. LIKE ANY REASONABLE DISCIPLEFANBOY. FROM THIS TIME YOU MIGHT RECALL A “LEAK”. OF SOMETHING CALLED “VOLUME TEN”. WHATEVER IT WAS THE TENTH VOLUME TO HAS BEEN LOST TO THE AGES. AND BASICALLY PROBABLY NEVER MATTERED.

THE POINT IS! “CALIBORN’S LAMENT” WAS THE TITLE OF ONE SUCH TRACK. IN WHAT WOULD IMMEDIATELY PROVE TO BE SOME SORT OF “PRANK”. INVOLVING MAKING MUSIC SLOWER INSIDE A COMPUTER. AND IT WAS A TITLE NESTLED DEEP WITHIN A LIST. OF OTHER, OBVIOUSLY FAKE TRACK TITLES. SUCH AS “GIRL SKYLARK”. AND “PYRE AND BRIMSTONE”. AND WHOEVER HEARD OF CALLING A TRACK “CREATA”. IT MAKES ME LAUGH TO CONSIDER FOR A SECOND THAT THERE MIGHT EVER BE A PIECE OF MUSIC BY THIS NAME.

THOUGH I ADMIT THE MESSAGING WAS A LITTLE COUNTERINTUITIVE. THIS WAS HOW I KNEW. CALIBORN’S LAMENT WAS REAL. AND IT WAS A MESSAGE FROM MY FUTURE SELF. FROM WHOM I HAVE NOW STOLEN THE IDEA. BUT I KNOW HE WOULD BE FINE WITH IT. HE WOULD APPLAUD ME, EVEN. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I HAVE GOTTEN UP TO BEING HIM NOW. AND I HAVE TO CONFESS. THIS BASICALLY FUCKING ROCKS IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY.

SO I HOPE THAT YOU ULTIMATELY COME TO ENJOY CALIBORN’S LAMENT. NOW THAT YOUR EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN ENRICHED. BY THE CONCURRENT WITNESSING OF MY PROGRAM NOTES. AND IF YOU DON’T, TOO BAD! THE ONLY THING THAT CHANGES IS YOUR LIFE. BEING FREE OF ANY ARTISTIC MERIT. DOES NOT IMPROVE BETWEEN NOW AND ME DESTROYING YOU UTTERLY.

SO BYE FOREVER. AGAIN. I GUESS?

Grace Medley: (via Discord)

jebb was asking after time stamps for the references in caliborns lament so here you go

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