Tobias Funk/Ron Swansong
By Robert J! Lake (
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Okay. Once more, from the bridge.
I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Could be your colon. I'd wanna get in there and find some-
Chuck E. Cheese.
They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
I got my first job when I was nine - worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor.
Well, that certainly leaves me out.
Child labor laws are ruining this country.
Let me take off my "assistant" skirt, and put on my "Barbara Streisand in The Prince of Tides", ass-masking, therapist pantsuit.
I have the "Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for Excellence in Female Stuff".
Because I'm a woman!
Not just a man... but a man's man.
I'd go to a banquet in honor of those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.
Number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.
I was born ready.
Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11.
I'm Ron (BLEEP) Swanson.
Where the (BLEEP) are my hardboiled eggs?
Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk.
Drop in a token, look at a duck.
I'll be your wingman.
Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Nice to be back in a queen.
Let me out that queen.
Huzza- Huzza- Huzza- Huz- Huz- Huzzah!
There's a man inside me, and only when he's finally out, can I walk free.
I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toed boot.
On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed rushed to my side, so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time.
Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely.
If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?
Oh, I'm afraid I just "blue" myself.